last night was a spectacular night: contrast.

last night was a spectacular night, but I didn't do anything too much out of the ordinary. caught up on some writing, did some packing for my move this coming weekend and chilled with ashley. we started discussing many topics, as we always do, covering lots of ground, incorporating lots of detail, digging beyond the actual occurrences, extracting symbols, signs and meanings, but this is all quite customary for us, this is how we communicate. there are a select few people in which I can converse with at this level (besides myself) and for these people, I am thankful, anyhow. . .

last night was a spectacular night, because I solved an open case file. we will all come to a certain point in life, which I refer to as a "low point." during this time, we fraternize with people we normally wouldn't offer the time of day, we act in ways that are inexplicable, we dig holes for ourselves and we fall into these deep, dark holes with seemingly permanent lasting effects. this is perfectly normal human behavior, I have not been close with a person yet who has not reached a low point. the thing about these "low points," is that during and thereafter we are usually stuck questioning ourselves and attempting to solve the equation that placed us in our holes. questions. . .confusion. . .leaving the case open, unsolved, hammering at our heads. it becomes a constant topic of ardent discussion, passionate details are repeatedly shared. . .all because, it puzzles us to a point in which we cannot shake it, it thus, becomes part of our identities.

last night was a spectacular night, because somewhere around 3:17am, I sat up and stared into the darkness as though I was being summoned by my soul, and in that moment, the case was closed, my low point was explained. I was forced to look into the now, the exactness of the moment my head rose from my pillow in order to truly, truly, truly recognize the pure bliss of life, the finer emotions, the authenticity of love. i realized that we must experience a low point, as a source of contrast. if there was no such thing as horrible, there would be no such thing as wonderful. i then began to think of all of my friends who i have seen hit the low point and i became convinced that their contrasts would soon be presented, as mine revealed itself 2.5 years later. do not go out and search for your contrast, it will come in its due time, but remain open to its presence.

your contrast is on the way.

the golden rule

Caramel kisses from a vanilla sushine, there is a complex simplicity clouding our coffee. It forces us to reflect and then reject and then accept one another, where is the loyalty? truth? allegiance? People are pretending on a daily basis to be this and be that, projecting images, filling voids, dismissing truths, breaking hearts with lies, carefree undertones, listless demeanors...those people from Mars in my dream last night moved like honey gliding to the bottom of a cup of steamy green tea...settling at the bottom and capturing the flavor...taking their land back...teaching us a lesson on how to love, how to truly exist among each other, thus. . .how to love.

the star that shined in the sky so bright the other night was no star...it was their spaceship...when i saw him, i wasn't afriad...i called out to him " Excuse me, Mr. UFO Man, we need help, we are drowning, we are killing each other, and to think...they are afraid of you!" he just looked at me and his glossy eyes twinkled like glitter...i was in his zone...and at that exact moment, i knew...i was found...i was whole...I am...foundtranscendentsublimenotvainnotdumbnolongeranythingihadpreviouslybeen...I am real...really alive.

I wish that there was a way for every living, breathing being to reach this point. . .I can start with writing this blog, hoping that people can reflect on their days in the past and anticipate their days to come. Think about the interactions that you have with people, how you talk to them, the tone you project, the things that you don't say, the way you look at them. . .consider what they are feeling inside, what they dreamed about the previous night. Consider the last time they cried themselves to sleep, the last time they laughed so hard that their tummy muscles got a work out; each person is precious, and each person deserves the utmost consideration and respect, despite the exterior armor that they display.

I work a couple jobs that require customer service, I developed some ideas awhile back when dealing with a rather unpleasant person; when it occurred to me that my automatic response to combat her stankness with more stankness would not solve the problem, I began to attempt to put myself in her shoes by only imagining what the source of her attitude may be. I am in no way excusing people with unpleasant overtones, but instead hoping that we can address the source of the problem. Whether it is a person whom we are close with or a complete stranger, offering a person the utmost of esteem may brighten his or her day.

Just give it a try.

hay dos: gemini reflections IV

I have her undivided attention. I'm prancing around in my retro leopard leggings, my green tutu and a yellow cotton bra dancing to the beat, flowing to the rhythm. I purposely miss a count or two, simply to amuse her. . .and also to assure her that this body only moves in tune to one melody, hers.

I can feel her fingertips caress my scalp, her manicured hands writing invisible lyrics behind my ear. Only I can hear them clearly, only me. The words are complex, hard to follow, but intoxicating and addicting. . .she never stops writing, especially because I let her use my golden pen. When she writes, I leave her be, simply offering my expression of adoration. A glance here and there.

I look to the stars while she works, communication at it's prime. At 6:11 it occurred to me that there is no greater love, sólo nosotros, hay dos.

recycling songs & thus emotions

Placing my iPod on random offers me a great deal of pleasure. I am able to experience and appreciate the songs that have been lost in my 5,000 or so songs in my iTunes library. Yesterday afternoon I spent my lunch break enjoying one of my "Random iPod Personal Parties" and a song came through my earphones that blatantly reminded me of a person that I previously involved myself with and I got to thinking...

As emotional beings, are we able to recycle songs and their significance to us? Or, will we always associate certain songs with certain relationships and persons? If this is the case, are we ever truly able to let past experiences completely cease, or do bits and pieces stay with us forever and are simply triggered by particular sounds and/or lyrics?

Furthermore, how would it work if we attempted to reassign or recycle songs and use them in our subsequent relationships? Is it possible to remove the memory of a past lover from a song and attach a current lover to the song within our minds?

Is this possible???

ode to the skye

what petrifies you about silence? is it the intuitive state that you vacation to...or it is the constant hammering in your head that you cannot escape. what is the problem with solitude? are you that uncomfortable in your own skin? do you need that breathy reassurance as he steals you from you? the falsehoods are reinforced and you fall deeper and deeper

...deep deep deep...
used and torn apart in his existence
...deep deep deep...

it hammers into your soul...and as you grow u become more and more ignorant...further away from yourself that you have ever been...and the whole time, when you feel like you can hear him loud and clear and see his outline directly to your right, you are alone and surrounded by utter silence...but too bad you didn't notice that you have always been alone and always will be...

you must learn to fall in love with her eyes, her lips, her hair fresh out of the shower, her thighs, her skin tone, the way that the air recycles itself in her body... you cannot worry about what absorbs his manhood or where he is and has been...you must learn to cherish her, you have to hold her and comfort her, talk to her like she means the world to you. Please watch her, guide her, manicure her, never ignore her, never make her cry, give her all that you have and never be stingy with her, make her smile, make her moan, make her tingle...its when you find her and make this connection, you will yearn for that silence, you will live from that silence, that silence will never scare you again...that silence will speak to you loudly and comfort you...its all within her...

and she is you

in the nicest way, i'd like to say. . .

why are there people who spend a great deal of time concerned with pure and utter irrelevance? From where do these people arrive and what is their final destination? When I was about six, shopping with my grandmother at Nordstrom, I first heard of these people; my grandmother referred to them as "green eyed devils." She told me to beware of people who talked too much about other people's business (pure and utter irrelevance). She also warned me of people who did not seem to have their own identities and were very invasive and overbearing in the start of a "friendship" with me. When I was younger, this was all like viewing an abstract Dalí painting to the untrained eye, very confusing and seemingly extraneous. Since then, I have unfortunately had a few encounters with such people.

now. . .I am not one to judge people, mostly due to the fact that there have been unjust conclusions drawn about me; moreover, I understand completely that people have their own hang ups, whether be it a lack of self esteem or foul roots set in childhood. I believe in cycles of behavior: individuals ascertain particular behavioral patterns as a result of the community that raised them (I like to say community because everyone is not raised in a nuclear family setting consisting of mom, dad, 2.5 children and a dog). I know that we have all heard the saying, "the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree," which is true to a certain extent; however does that mean that the cycles cannot be broken? For example, just because your auntie, who raised you, constantly schemed and scammed on her so-called friends, or your grandfather, who you spent the weekends with, was known for being the initiator of bizarre drama, doesn't mean that you will automatically stir up the same types of situations, or does it? What about the people who develop as children with cultivated roots (tender, love and care) but still possess these sociopathic tendencies and characteristics. I am, however, convinced that some event in life causes this behavior, I will not accept the speculation that people are just "born that way."

I am pondering about what action should be taken against people who suffer from these extreme character flaws. When these people come in and attempt to disrupt our lives, what is the most appropriate way to respond to their efforts? Becoming angry and unsettled gives these suffering people what they desire. Its like a sick addiction, that we as healthy human beings should not feed into (would you sent a kleptomaniac to a department store with no security or cameras or give a crack user a nice big rock?). On the other hand, ignoring these people only makes them try harder. . .(spread more rumors, conjure up more stories, investigate for clues to stretch inapplicable facts to fit their loosely created stories all desperate cries for attention and validation.)

Is there anyway to offer support to these cycle syndrome carriers? I wish that there was an antibiotic that they could take over 7 days, 2 tablets every 12 hours, to cure them of this horrible trait. Or maybe a Animosity Anonymous group, 12 steps to breaking free of such foul habits. Anything that will help them understand that they are not only running their names through the mud, but also wasting their own time, because everyone has the potential to be hot, and stirring up problems is not the correct route to follow.

. . .back up and follow left at the fork in the road. . .

I send my heart out to the people who have been caught in the cycle, please keep checking back with me, I will be working on creating a cure.

♥

hay dos: gemini reflections III

the bath water has turned pink from the rose petals that were tossed in the tub. each candle illuminates the dark room, lets count. . .one. . .two. a glass of gloria ferrar on the right, a beautiful silhouette to the left. maxwell and i converse again, this time on repeat. emotions full of reactions and responses coupled with fervid words, ardent sentences and vehement paragraphs all sprinting full speed, lacking regrets, never turning around. once again we reach this point, except this time with every glance 12 steps are taken in giuseppe flats missing the blue crystals in the rainbow in which i call life.

the blue crystals' absence is excused by the flowing of blue blood through blue veins. . .its never been an obsession, always been love, the polar opposite of where we lived before. my red hot kitchen never sleeps when it comes to her. the skills that i have in my possession just recently discovered as i cut the tomato trying to not cut myself. . .my excitement overflows and the tomato cubes came out perfectly, wonder why? no, no. . .he already told me, "don't ever wonder;" and it is official that he and i are wishing on the same star, praying to the same god. . .

and i quote him. . .

estoy alcanzando
muy profundo adentro
profundo en mi
donde ella vivir
un vuelo alto
como si un cielo
en frente de mi
donde tu vas a estar


&hearts

indebted to the value of the day

This morning, I applied my Benefit's Bad Gal Mascara (which I swear by and should eventually do an ad for), and I experienced a delightful feeling radiating through my body, it was fabulous. I will only attribute about 5.5% of the joy to the amazing mascara, and about 4.5% to the absolutely beautiful weather in my area, but the remaining 90% is allocated to simply just being. Everyone should be happy to just be.

Have you ever been around someone who just fusses about anything and everything? Lets call this type of person a Kvetch. Sure some complaining is naturally expected during the trials and tribulations of life (but should be avoided). When things do not always fall into place the way we would like them to, we may become dismayed; however, the majority of the occurrences in our lives fit together like intricate puzzle pieces, all connecting to one another. Each piece precisely connects to the next, and thus, without each piece angled and edged, the puzzle will not be complete, which translates to our lives being unfulfilled. I like to think of really horrific occurrences to the most miniscule annoyances to have absolute significance in the progression of our lives, therefore; remaining in a constant state of disappointment does absolutely NOTHING for the progression of life.

Amazing days like today should repeat everyday, even when we are faced with difficult times because having a stank attitude is never excusable. : )

♥Amina

AMAZINGNESS!



We hold it all in one hand: THE SUN, LES BEAUX NUAGES, THE RAIN

WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH YOUR POSSESSIONS?

my need: a-z

apprise me.
bury me.
confide in me.
divert with me.
excite me.
fathom me.
gain me.
help me.
ignite me.
justify me.
kiss me.
lead me.
magnify me.
need me.
obsess with me.
promote me.
quiet me.
rescue me.
spoil me.
trust me.
umph me.
vacation with me.
watch me.
xerox me.
yearn for me.
zest for me.

can u float among les beaux nuages?
so far, only god has had such luck. . .

:::dress designed by:::Sue Wong, Nocturne Collection:::

Snap for the Kids!

Today, the Supreme Court of California made a landmark decision and legalized same sex marriage in the state of California. I am thrilled! I have been a cheerleader for same sex marriages waving my pom poms all around spreading my opinion about LGBTQ rights since forever. I have always been quite opinionated about this topic; I could never understand why marriage should be restricted to a union between a man and a woman? The terms man and woman are entirely fluid anyhow. . .we have to look outside of the box and realize that duality is NOT the only way. . .to every extreme, there is a gray area, we must always remember that. A lot of people choose not to categorize themselves within the boxes, and for these people, I am thankful. . .they rock my world, and for them I cheer!

It is only legitimate for two consenting adults who are dedicated to one another to have the right to solidify their relationship by taking vows of marriage. This is a beautiful day in history and many people's lives will change as a result of this decision. Years from now, hopefully the LGBTQ community will no longer face as much discrimination and judgement from this heterosexist society. A heterosexist society is one that assumes that ALL peoples are heterosexual, thus placing a strange, eerie label on people who do not live under the heterosexual "standard." (exmaple, the ridiculous saying "No Homo,". . .ugh.) I honestly feel like the majority of people are not entirely heterosexual anywayz. . .its not all in the actions of people, but also their innermost desires, thoughts, ect. (check out the kinsey scale:http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/ak-hhscale.html). Human beings as a whole are individually beautiful. . .and being attracted to beauty is natural. . .and should not be confused with anything bizarre or weird. I am aware that many religions look down upon alternate sexual identities and practices, but there are tons of people who follow their religions and live miserable lives or double lives. . .and the sense in that is. . .????

Of course acceptance takes time. . .but this is a wonderful beginning and hopefully California sets a precedent for other states.

C'mon everyone & Snap for the Kids!



♥

hay dos: gemini reflections II

an amazingly beautiful lady bug flew into my life awhile ago, the moment is a hazy moment of clarity in my memory, but i know that it was 2:17 a kindred spirit, a being from a past life, someone to inevitably experience the present by my side. when she found me, i was half way blind, now i can almost see. i always wanted to apply those lyrics, trying to feel joi on that level. moments earlier: my cold eyes staring into my macbook browsing for the unavailable, nonexistant, allthewhile thinking...anywayz i placed my index finger in my lip lube, caught hold of enough for only my bottom lip...and in that exact moment of exactness, she landed in my lap, so carefully meaningful, a soul that i simply could not resist, my need to be with became apparent and urgent. sheer amazingness, a self proclaimed goddess is what i refer to her as, she thinks of me as her black magic jelly bean superwoman...together we are dangerous, dangerously authentic...beware. our voices met over a digital voice wave one evening and she proceeded to dig in and tell me all about myself. she began with my emancipation, stating that i came from les beaux nuages (for which i am named), she continued to speak and her silent voice serenaded me, it didnt matter that hours passed by. eachhoureachsecondeachminute began to tell the story of destiny. my passions died and entered an eternal rich afterlife upon her arrival and since that moment everything has fallen into place.

Please Be Aware!

Today this disturbing video was brought to my attention:



Ok. . .so, first and foremost, this man personifies ignorance, nefariousness and despondence. In order to follow and attempt to comprehend his current state of mind; we must look at themes which create such repulsive individuals. Clearly, he suffers from some sort of mental defect which allows him to rationalize his actions; and furthermore he is an example of an individual who has allowed the disenfranchisement of the Black man in history act as an excuse to go on this murderous rampage. It is true that Black men have experienced a great deal of discrimination in history beginning with emasculation during slavery and the continued blatant lack of respect and institutional hinderance to succeed; however there is absolutely NO EXCUSE for his vile actions.

Watching him brag about spreading AIDS is utterly disgusting and unquestionably disturbing; however there is a somewhat positive ramification in his airing his actions. We do need to be aware of people like him, I am convinced that he is not the only person with such malicious intentions. AIDS and other Sexually Transmitted Infections are being spread like at mind blowing rates and we need to place maximum protection on ourselves, everyone included. With the progression of the safe sex movement since the AIDS and Hepatitis C pandemic, there are tons of ways to still have enjoyable, yet SAFE SEX. I would like to stress that safe sex can be eroticized and should be practiced EVERYTIME!

I definitely disagree with his labeling of women as "hoes," because I feel that a human being has the right to express himself/herself in any way he/she pleases for whichever reason works for them, I do not believe in judging people for their sexual expressions and desires; however, it is important to protect yourself, no matter if you have had 20+ partners or just simply 1 or 2, as we see with one of the young women he read from his list, it only takes one time to change your life forever.

One final closing comment is that I would also like to encourage everyone to go out and get tested for the HIV/AIDS virus and also Hepatitis C. Search google for the free testing sites in your area. There are a ton of people who are not aware of their status and continue to to have unprotected sex with other people, and remain untreated. In today's society, there are a lot of advancements in treatment and the earlier the better to begin treatment.

I wish everyone the absolute best!

Love,

♥Amina

Sublime: 0%-100%

A woman's body image is a crucial fraction of her being. A negative portrait of oneself is detrimental to the love that a woman has for herself. Where does a woman compile, compose and conform the picture that she draws of her body? In the most simplistic of terms we can allocate a ton of responsibility on the media; but the media is such a grandiose term wearing many masks. Television stabs. The Music Industry bludgeons. Movies strangle. Magazines and other Print Media set ablaze. The World Wide Web fires rounds of ammunition.

Each Medium slowly slaughters the image that the average woman has of her body by both obtrusively and subliminally setting the standard of what a desirable woman should look like.

All of this resurfaced in my mind as I began to notice a trend in one of my favorite juicy magazines, US Weekly. Although I am a self-proclaimed "anti-disclaimer," I must state that I am fully aware of the notion that US Weekly is a silly tabloid magazine with lots of unnecessary information regarding people who live their lives under the spot light; however, it is a great source of entertainment for it's many readers for whatever various reasons. I enjoy it mostly for the clothes, sure, I read Nylon, Elle, Vogue and W to name a few of my subscriptions for fashion, but US Weekly gives juicy weekly doses of people that wear fabulous garments to various fabulous events and the unnecessary juicy details about these events. . .I simply cannot help myself when the mail arrives every Thursday with a brand new US Weekly!

This week, I read about Mariah and Nick's secret wedding ( which I am very happy about), some squandering stories about Jamie Lynn Spears baby shower and also the ongoing feud between Heidi and Lauren on The Hills Before getting to all of the details about Mariah's beautiful secret wedding, I came across the "Who Wore It Best?' section. In this section, two people (usually women. . .although once 2yr old Suri Cruise was compared to a grown woman. . .) are compared wearing the same dress and over each woman is a percentage of 100 that corresponds with her competitor. I began to look back at all of the issues that I had lying around, and I noticed a trend. The woman with less body mass, in almost all cases, received a higher percentage. Curves, breasts, tummies, hips and booties will not get you a passing grade; the smaller contestant consistently wins, even if she doesn't necessarily look incredibly better in the dress.

I would like to briefly explore what impact this has on readers of US Weekly. The standard of beauty and attractiveness is subliminally outlined for readers. Although the average reader will not recognize the effect of these photos with judgmental numbers over them; thats the thing with subliminal messages: they silently attack the psyche.

From now on, while watching movies, music videos and sitcoms try to look beyond the obvious and search for the hidden themes and correct the effect that they have on your perception of yourself and others.

on holidays.

This morning I woke up and began reflecting. I am pleased by the fact that we have holiday's such as Mother's Day, but at the same time it forces me to think about the other 364 days of the year in between these special days. Appreciation of any element helpful to your life should be constant. I wont get into the whole political element of holidays, we have all heard the capitalist bashing arguments about marketed holidays, right? Halmark cards, Ghirardelli chocolates, Emilio Pucci Veuve Clicquot brunchs Betsey Johnson Gum Drop dresses & Tiffany charmbracelets on holidays are familiar to me no matter what the occasion may be: Mother's Day, Easter, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving. If we are going to isolate one day for the celebration of a certain aspect of our lives, shouldn't each day be incredibly unique? Furthermore; shouldn't each day be a commemoration of just simply being alive and offering gratitude to all of the factors that contribute to the fabulousness of our daily lives? Well, since it is Mother's Day and I do plan on giving my Mommy a big box of "Peanut Butter Crunch Chocolates" from See's. . .she will know that my gift is not a superficial appreciation gift for this day, because I also got her a pair of Tory Burch ballerina flats to match mines and an eskander jacket, she loves those.

I appreciate my mother on a level beyond that of a holiday can contain. My mother has taught me the basics of being, existing. Not only has she spent endless hours taking care of me when I have been really sick, when I had my heart broken, when I just fell into one of my catty, rude moods that are released at times, and also when I am just Amina. We have shopped for shoes in Paris, had in depth conversations in London, had fabulous dinners in New York and chilled out on the beaches of Honolulu just to name a few special times that I shared with my mother. Today when I see her, I will hug her and have the same appreciation that I did yesterday and that I will have tomorrow and next Wednesday. Mother's day is everyday as far as I am concerned. . .as should every holiday of thankfulness.

::: Items that I have Mentioned:::

Emilio Pucci for Veuve Clicquot (My favorite sparkling wine)



Betsey Johnson "Gum Drop Dress"



Tiffany Charm Bracelet



Tory Burch Ballerina Flat



eskander long jacket (Mommy's favorite!)

The Professionals

This black lace kimono is by Agent Provocateur and this romper is by Kiki De Montparnasse, I found them in NYLON magazine's May 2008 issue. When I have them on, I feel like a superstar, you know...sometimes a piece of material that has been graced by the touch and expertise of a professional artist can alter your demeanor just a bit (simply fabulous).  I'm looking down at my toes and just thinking... its been a crazy few years.

I've been up so high that the clouds looked up to me, all the while slamming against the pavement below the surface with the eternal outcasts; however, all of that is in the reflection of break lights in my imaginary rear view mirror and its just fine. There is a trend that I have noticed,  one type of person that I have continuously run into... the liar.

To tell a lie is to smudge a freshly painted nail, to put a pack of salt in a glass of sugar honey iced tea or worst of all, to scuff a pair of brand new patent Chloe pumps. Yes I know, completely unacceptable!!! So why has bending the truth remained a constant like vintage Chanel bags? I was hoping that it would come and go just as the Middle Eastern Scarf Movement will soon dismantle. 

I once dated a young gentlemen who swore on his father's grave (which is morbid thing to say especially if what you're swearing isn't true!) that he hadn't spoken with various other individuals during the time that we were involved, and come to find out, he was lying! I will not reveal my methods of revealing the truth ( those are like a secret). Once I confronted him with the evidence, he continued to lie... looked me straight in the face... sticking to his original story. He seemed so sincere, so convincing... I chuckled to myself, thinking that he should pack his stuff and catch the next flight to Los Angeles, enroll in acting classes immediately, and use this captivating monologue as his ticket into Hollywood, seriously. It wasn't necessarily that I was incredibly bothered by his conversing with other people, I could really care less, it was a lying that was so outlandish to me. 

Here is the truth: people lie... that's obvious and undisputed, definitely not a blog worthy topic. I am more focused on the professional liar, like the talented gentleman I mentioned earlier. With time, the most fascinating aspect of this whole situation was that he wasn't the only person who operated like this. I eventually came into contact with plenty of fibbers with the same MO: passionately lie, always stick to your story even when the evidence refutes your claims, and show lots and lots of emotion. Then your victim will not even begin to question the validity of your words. Some told grander lies then others, but nonetheless, they all shared the passion of the lie in common. Now, I will not sit here in this hot kimono and commit the same offense, I must admit, I have told a fib or two here and there, but I need a bit more practice before I am ready for Hollywood; for now, I will stick to writing, dressing my clients and applying their fabulous make-up.

The persona of a professional liar is way too bizarre for me. 

Items I've Mentioned:

Kimono by Agent Provocateur 

Romper by Kiki De Montparnasse

Patent Chloe "Aqua Fresh" Pump

A Classic Chanel Bag

Illusions of Grander

I am constantly writing about exactness. What transpires throughout moments, what I am precisely witnessing, but what if such  exactness is a figment of my imagination?

I. Illusion.

There is an art to creating, promoting and maintaining a facade. An artistic, spiritual and authentic masterpiece, the film Eve's Bayou concludes on a statement that holds relevance to my current thoughts, "the truth changes color depending on the light." What is indeed actually exactly true? People enter our lives under whichever pretenses they would like and thus they appear to possess various qualities to create an illusion in which they can be classified accordingly.

On the most simplistic, superficial level, a person can create an image by making a fashion statement, designing a web page or fratenizing with a certain group of people. On the most complex of levels, a person can create an entire identity and live vicariously live under that pretense.

When a girl  (or a party boy) with a nearly $7,000 Alexander McQueen dress and $1,195 Rene Caovilla strappy sandles embelleshed with Austraillian crystals hops out of a CL 500 Mercedes Benz with a Yves Saint Laurent clutch in hand, an illusion has been created and thus conclusions surrounding this individual will be drawn regarding this person's social status, monetary worth and fashion sense; but it is a great possibility that this person has an overdrawn bank account which has been sent to check systems, is borrowing the car and the clothes "belong" to a friend who works as a stylist and has been so generous to help a friend out before  the clothes must be returned to their appropriate spots on the shelves of high end fashion boutiques.

In turn, a person with a dirty t-shirt and dirty run down shoes and uncombed hair will be assumingly classified as a peasant; when in all actuality the wearer of the dirty t-shirt may infact go home to a mansion and have more monetary worth than homegirl with the rich illusion in the Caovilla masterpieces.

What does it mean to just be? Without trendsetters, fashion conosuers and entertainers what would the average person drape themselves in? How would they present themselves? How would they exist without illusion?

:::Let's Get Into Her Illusion:::

Dress Designed by Alexander McQueen,  Pre-Fall 2008

Shoes Designed by Rene Caovilla, Spring 2008

Clutch Designed by Yves Saint Laurent, Spring 2008

What a Hot Illusion, but yet and still

an illusion...

inquiry surrounding change

What does it mean to change? How does one determine that they have indeed gotten rid of a habit or altered the way that they handle various situations? How many examples of a certain behavior serve as validity for an actual change in ideals? I am looking to dissect what it really means to experience a transition into something completely new: actually believing and practicing something that you formerly did not. What types of episodes do we have to encounter? 

Age? No...I am not convinced that people change with age per say...of course of course, people physically change and their surroundings and occupations may change, but what proof does age offer for ethical changes? I have met 30 year olds with the maturity level of middle school children in certain aspects...and vis versa, I have met 15 year olds with very complex, mature philosophical ideas. 

Near death experiences? I've had one...and four days later, when I was coherent and able to understand what had just happened with me...I swore that I had changed...but in what respect I asked myself...I concocted a whole new plan of living...live each day as it is my last, don't trip off the small stuff....you know, all of the book titles in the Self-Help section of Cody's Books. And for the first few weeks after the blood clots invaded my lungs...I abided by these new rules and felt that it was safe to say that I had indeed changed. Lets fast forward to right now...this exact moment...can I honestly say that I still hear the titles of the Self-Help section in my head? No...I have become comfortable with my condition, and now life is quite similar to how it was prior to my invitation to the unknown. Sure, I have I had minor changes, such as being comfortable with having needles as regular visitors of my arms for weekly blood tests, but thats not an ideological change, that is practical and expected. 

Break-Ups? Umm, I highly doubt it...how many people make the same mistakes over and over again in relationships by subconscious habit even proclaiming the entire time that the previous relationship has changed them? I know I have been guilty of that...and as complicated as relationships are, of course we do learn from them...but I am unclear on how we transfer what we have learned to our ideology file. I am stabbing at the question of whether or not a person's ideological ideas can be altered, and if so...what must this person experience in order to undergo such changes? I do not believe that it is not possible...I would just like some insight of how this works...I do not

have an answer.

hay dos: gemini reflections

the flame is in my peripheral view right now, and in hindsight, i should have always been here, in this exact moment appreciating this, exactly. tonight i let the warm water soak my skin and my senses were aroused by maxwell as we shared sundry vibes about this girl. fortunate, i am. she told me about her love for all seasons, beginning with the mid summer nights filled with buoyant desires continuing on to the cold winter nights, feeling my presence in my absence, my words in my silence and my thoughts in my oblivion. yea, yea, patience is a virtue...but she deserves an award, some sort of long-standing recognition, like a star. i wish i could see the moon tonight, i remember when i had a window...the moon watched over me like a guardian, witnessing all of my mishaps comforting me in the alone part of the night, when i would cry.

the only way to acknowledge my current state of happiness is to remember my pain. tears, rejection, self-abuse, denial, hopelessness, blank. yin & yang. i am now awake, and i have an alternative, thats why maxwell and i had such an agreement this evening, for a moment, my words were taken away from me and i only possessed these thoughts, these thoughts of grander moments caught up in the rapture, realizing that i am going to be privy to my most intimate desires. and as i write this i am not here, but instead my presence is held by a plush white room during an brief intermission with the chaos of the city in my peripheral as a backdrop to my serenity, similar to this constant flame to my right.

we agreed: fortunate.

grudges: friends vs. lovers

I watch The Hills religiously...even though a lot of viewers feel that it is scripted and quite predictable, I still enjoy it nonetheless. The characters deal with very familiar and relevant situations that I can relate to on many levels. While catching up on my online viewing, an idea came to mind...

How far does a friend have to go to you in order for you to hold a grudge against them? And do we hold grudges differently based on the person's role in our lives? For example, if our romantic partner does something offensive and one of our friends commits a similar offense, who will we be more inclined to stay mad at? Using the Hills as an example, were Heidi's violations against Lauren any worst that Brody's or Jason's? That is up for discussion, but Lauren was much more willing to at least have lunch or dinner with Brody and Jason, but she is vehemently upset with Heidi, she cannot even sit at the same table with her without overheating. Why is that?

I know that in my past, I have tolerated certain behavior from people that I had previously been intimate with, but when a family member or friend did not do right by me, I would be less willing to make up with the friend or family member. The only excuse (and I loathe excuses) that I can come up with is the fact that as people, we are seemingly more than willing to take shit from the people we are intimately involved with because we fear being alone. When friends make us upset, we don't always seem to have the same amount of urgency with patching things up because our friends are not sleeping with us, cup caking with us and offering us romantic love and comfort. There is a truth that we cannot deny, we all want to be loved. 

Should we rate romantic love more important than friendships even though most friendships will last beyond romantic love episodes? We seem to place a lesser value on our friends while caught up in the rapture of our significant others of the time being, but isn't it more logical to place more emphasis on our friends and our relationships with them? Even though most people will look at these words and become defensive and claim that they do not fall into this category, go ahead and reflect of the feuds you have had with friends and how long it may have taken you to make up versus the feuds with lovers and furthermore; compare your overall amount of tolerance and patience with them. 

It would be ideal if the way we handled situations was uniform with all persons in our lives, including friends and lovers.

feminist femme: a perspective

I once met a feminist who did not take me seriously as a fellow feminist because of my constant trips to Thuy @ Narcissus Salon for Brazilian, leg, under arm and upper lip waxing; the layer of silk on top on my manicured pro- nails; and my extensive collection of fun toys, this was my response to her: Welcome to the world of the fabulous feminist femmes where we remain concerned with women's and LGBTQ rights in Chanel shades with lavender Lamé toes. 

Eye lash curlers, well, I have never used em, but I am a big fan of Diorshow and Benefit's Bad Gal mascara in black. I like the way the black guuuck transforms my lashes and thus, my entire face. It accentuates eyes, which are already merely fascinating, each and every set of eyes are spellbinding to me. My lashes have nothing to do with my commitment to the self empowerment of women, and me proclaiming that I am beautiful shouldn't offend the other ladies, it should empower them, shouldn't it?

My carefully organized collection of paints, powders, pigments and glosses should not suggest to you that I am attempting to conform or conceal, but instead that I am an artist, free flowing with my body as a formidable and familiar palate. Its like interior decorating on the exterior...placing candles and Dalí portraits in your loft doesn't mean that you don't love your loft without these ornaments. But it just simply means that you took the time to add some umph to your sanctuary. So please don't assume that some man in advertising at some big company is running my life.

I feel like a ingenious chemical engineer when I combine substances into all-purpose bases in a multitude of hues & textures, I call them my magic potions. Don't underestimate me because of my painted mauve pout, I have the power to chemically imbalance you, I am the Black Magic Woman that Carlos Santana talked about in 1960 something...HOT and AMAZING and most of all, POWERFUL.

I have the power to transform, transcend and transpire. My art work is like a brand new pair of red satin Christian Louboutins with the bow being worn during a civil rights debate with oh so convincing arguments...breathtaking, unable to duplicate. 

I am a self proclaimed feminist femme, don't just write me off as a plastic with self image issues because I like to play with my beautiful props. What does a feminist look like anywayz?

dissecting cool

I am completely puzzled on how to actually define the meaning of "cool," and therefore, the meanings of "uncool" or "whack" or "bootsie," or my favorite term, "late." I can safely assume that the majority of people feel that they are hot and that their daily self expressions are the hottest of the hot; I am all for self confidence and self expression, but I have found myself and those closest to me refer to certain individuals as lame, and thus uncool. Do we really have the right to say that the next person is not hot? I guess what I am getting at is......................

what defines cool? And most importantly, who defines cool? Like all scales in life, there must be two polar opposites because without the lame there would be no cool and vis versa, but how can that really be determined? Is there a universal hottness that some people possess that is simply factual and is not up for discussion and with that said, is there a universal bootsieness?  Ideally, I would hope that we all strive to be the best that we can be while creating and sticking by our personal self images all with the same intention, to be cool. Whether people would like to admit it or not, we are all concerned with the image that people hold of us and we all make attempts to be relatively amazing, but who can decide who succeeds and who fails?

food for thought.

the beauty of attraction

Today I ate a delicious garden salad at my family's restaurant, Home of Chicken and Waffles, and midway through my salad, a couple walked through the front door to be seated for an early evening meal. The held hands, the woman giggled as the man joked with her, and overall their interaction with one another was very kind and gentle; it was obvious that they adored each other. To the untrained eye, these two individuals were seemingly opposite. The woman had beautiful shiny hair and a breathtaking smile, she was conventionally beautiful, and the man...well, lets just say that I have seen more desirable looking men. As soon as the judgmental questions entered my thought process regarding the attraction between the two people, I caught myself and begin drilling myself on the preconceived notions of attraction that I hold within.

I seemed to find myself stuck on  the superficial aethetic qualities that people possess, and sure...I have heard the saying, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so why did I subconciously judge the woman and her attraction to an unconventionally beautiful man? I am refering to the man as beautiful simply because I know that in his woman's eyes, he is stunning...I could tell by the way her eyes glazed over him when he ordered his Number 9 and a glass of Chardonnay. What makes a person initially beautiful to another person? I am not convinced that someone's outter figure is hardly enough. There is more. What makes us go beyond that initial meeting and desire to "get to know" another person?

In certain situations, people start relationships with people with alterior motives, i.e. money, status, security, fear of being alone...and  also in most of these cases, if the person also has a nice personality, they will become beautiful to their mate. I once dated a person that I did not initially feel was entirely physically attractive, but I liked his personality and swagg, and 1 week into dating this person, I could not stop staring at them and thinking of how beautiful this person had become to me in such a short time period. This made me understand that physical beauty really lacks value, if it can be created and just as easily destroyed. Have you ever met a person who had an appealing look, but a horrible attitude? That person, in my eyes, has compromised their given outter beauty.

The laws of attraction are truly existent but loosely defined, thus we each make our own rules on what is and is not attractive, what may be less than beautiful to me from an outside prespective may be the most beautiful to the next person.

what is beauty anyway?

allow me to introduce myself

Right now I feel like a pack of colored sprinkles. Each sprinkle individually having the ability to offer pleasure to one aesthetically, with great texture for chewing once they meet your mouth. Full of different bright and vibrant colors making the most mundane simplicities beautiful and only appreciated by those who understand and enjoy the importance of texture.  

I bet I'm the only girl you know who drinks 2% milk out of a champagne glass. Today as I sat in the synthetic chair in the bleeding room, and the most relevant form of existence became present to me as the red balloon drifted in front of the ambulance. In that moment, it seemed like the world made sense, it clicked, it was as though I finally located the instruction manual for living. In my head I began to scribble with my golden pen, the one that holds on to memories for as long as I can stand them.  While we speak about the concept of a memory, shall we discuss a lingering ghost? I do not care whether or not the man is dead or alive in actuality...in his past being, he is alive, in his present, I cannot grasp him, therefore, he is dead, thus a ghost. It haunts my thoughts at least daily and spends a great deal of time making it's presence obvious to me. Whether or not this reflection is it's love for me or his adversary is not clear and I remain conflicted and compromised. The peculiar aspect of this entire situation is that I have never characterized this emotion that I feel for my ghost as love, it has instead been classified as an obsessive desire of my mind, never loved, always obsessed. 

I have come to terms with the fact that the only person that I should fear in life is myself; thus, a person can only emotionally damage me granted that I allow them to do so. Have I learned to acknowledge the cues to run far away and hide? In the past, have I just had masochistic cravings? Without needed to type the obvious answer to the second question, we come to this exact moment in which I convince myself that I possess the strength to combat anything lacking positive attributes. 

I envisioned what I would feel sitting here plenty time and I nailed it. Its just me and a few robots with blue blood flowing. I sneak my words bwtn sips of hot cocoa made with water while I stare into space at a framed quilt on the wall. The woman, she resembles me. My hands began to vibrate and oop. here she is, annexing my thoughts again, literally. I always wished for just one moment that my mind would allow itself to unravel gracefully instead of the uncouth non rhythmic tone it has become accustomed to, its been "wildly staccato" as jill would put it.  

Out casted feeling like the champagne glass before it hits the marble floor caught amidst a beautiful suicide, striving to exist among the wine glasses...if I were a bell.

Nice to meet you.