allow me to introduce myself

Right now I feel like a pack of colored sprinkles. Each sprinkle individually having the ability to offer pleasure to one aesthetically, with great texture for chewing once they meet your mouth. Full of different bright and vibrant colors making the most mundane simplicities beautiful and only appreciated by those who understand and enjoy the importance of texture.  

I bet I'm the only girl you know who drinks 2% milk out of a champagne glass. Today as I sat in the synthetic chair in the bleeding room, and the most relevant form of existence became present to me as the red balloon drifted in front of the ambulance. In that moment, it seemed like the world made sense, it clicked, it was as though I finally located the instruction manual for living. In my head I began to scribble with my golden pen, the one that holds on to memories for as long as I can stand them.  While we speak about the concept of a memory, shall we discuss a lingering ghost? I do not care whether or not the man is dead or alive in actuality...in his past being, he is alive, in his present, I cannot grasp him, therefore, he is dead, thus a ghost. It haunts my thoughts at least daily and spends a great deal of time making it's presence obvious to me. Whether or not this reflection is it's love for me or his adversary is not clear and I remain conflicted and compromised. The peculiar aspect of this entire situation is that I have never characterized this emotion that I feel for my ghost as love, it has instead been classified as an obsessive desire of my mind, never loved, always obsessed. 

I have come to terms with the fact that the only person that I should fear in life is myself; thus, a person can only emotionally damage me granted that I allow them to do so. Have I learned to acknowledge the cues to run far away and hide? In the past, have I just had masochistic cravings? Without needed to type the obvious answer to the second question, we come to this exact moment in which I convince myself that I possess the strength to combat anything lacking positive attributes. 

I envisioned what I would feel sitting here plenty time and I nailed it. Its just me and a few robots with blue blood flowing. I sneak my words bwtn sips of hot cocoa made with water while I stare into space at a framed quilt on the wall. The woman, she resembles me. My hands began to vibrate and oop. here she is, annexing my thoughts again, literally. I always wished for just one moment that my mind would allow itself to unravel gracefully instead of the uncouth non rhythmic tone it has become accustomed to, its been "wildly staccato" as jill would put it.  

Out casted feeling like the champagne glass before it hits the marble floor caught amidst a beautiful suicide, striving to exist among the wine glasses...if I were a bell.

Nice to meet you.